I collect FMH MAGAZINES (Philippine Edition)
currently im bored so i borwsed www.fhm.com.ph upon browsing
i saw their bullboard and went to jokes section. this is what i found
———————-
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has
just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store
operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE
There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular
floor, or may choose to go up to the
next floor, but you cannot go back
down to pick from previous floors or
to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store
to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the
second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love
Kids.
“Thats nice”, she thinks, “but I want
more.” So she continues upward. The
third floor signreads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled
to keep going. She goes to the fourth
floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she elaims, “I can
hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to
the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love
Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong
Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes
to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,45 6,012
to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This
floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank
you for shopping at the Husband Store.
————-
Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose…
“Nurse” he mumbles.. “are my testicles black?”
Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She takes a close look and says..
“There is nothing wrong with them sir.”
Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly..
“Thanks for that, it was just wonderful. But listen very, very closely and carefully!
Are-My-Test-Results-Back?!”
————-
WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that
morning anyway.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy
Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say
“Good Morning,” let alone any “Happy Birthday.”
I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you, the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. When I started to
leave for the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning,
boss. Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon.
Then, Janet knocked on my door and said “You know, it’s such a
beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go.”
We went to lunch.
We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a
little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a
beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”
I said, “No, I guess not.”
She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment
she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom
and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I replied excitedly.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and
dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And there I sat… on the couch… naked.
THE END.
—————-
Ito nga ba ang alamat kung bakit nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki…Huh?
Karpintero itong si Jojo at isang araw eh gumagawa siya ng isang
bahay sa
tabi ng ilog. Sa lakas ng pagma-martilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo niya
sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw yung guardian angel niya, “Tutulungan kita,
Jojo”…
sabay lundag sa ilog. Lumabas ito na me hawak na gold hammer, “Ito ba ang
martilyo
mo?”… “Hindi po”. Lundag uli ang anghel at lumitaw na me silver hammer,
“Ito ba?”…
“Hindi po”. Lundag uli sa ilog ang anghel at lumitaw na me ordinary hammer,
“Ito ba?”.
“Opo” … Natuwa ang anghel.
“Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo, sa ‘yo na rin ang gold and
silver hammer”.
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Jojo sa tabi ng ilog at kasama
ang
misis niya. Eh sa katangahan, nalaglag si misis sa ilog…iyak si Jojo.
Litaw si guardian
angel, “Tutulungan kita”… sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si
Paris Hilton,
“Ito ba ang misis mo?”… sagot si Jojo, “Opo”. Nagalit si anghel,
“Sinungaling ka. Akala ko
pa naman mabait ka”.
Nag- reason-out si Jojo, “Sorry po, angel… kasi kapag sinabi kong
‘Hindi’, eh
lulundag ka uli sa tubig at pag-litaw mo eh kasama mo si Jessica Simpson.
At pag sinabi
ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko, eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na misis
ko na ang
kasama mo. At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin sina Paris
at Jessica.
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa, kaya ‘Yes’ na
lang ang
sinagot ko nung una”.
———
A guy walks into a single bar carrying a shoebox.
He walks up to a gorgeous lady.
“Hi,” he says.
She ignores him.
“I have in this box a trained frog that eats pussy like it’s never been eaten before.”
She opens the box and sees a bullfrog with a long tongue.
“I’d like to see you prove it,” she says.
“Take me to your apartment and I will.”
They go to her place, where she proceeds to strip naked on her bed. The man takes out the frog and puts it between her legs. The frog sits there and doesn’t move.
“Well?” The lady ask.
“Okay, @$$h0l3,” the guy says to the frog. “This is the last time I show you how it’s done!!”
———–
Adam and Eve f*** for the first time. After they’re done, God comes to them and asks Adam, “How did you like sex?”
“I loved it,” Adam replies.
“And did Eve think the same?”
“Yes. I know she loved it just as much as I did.”
“By the way, where is Eve?” God asks.
“She’s down by the river, washing up,” Adam tells God.
Suddenly, God gets very pissed off. Thunder and lightning appear, and God curses a blue streak.
“What is wrong Lord?” Adam asks.
“What’s wrong?” God roars. “Eve is washing in the river! I’ll never get that smell out of the fish!”
————
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
————-
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon…
Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here…you a drinkin’ man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca…we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie – you’re already dead remember?
Guy: Wow…that’s…awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever… If you go Bankrupt…well you’re dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…
Demon: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose – that’s right – you’re dead – who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.
Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you’re really gonna hate Fridays.
—————-
The Best Genie Story Ever…. Smiley
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is
going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, “Come on in.”
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was
all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my
window?”
“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see,
I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one
wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”
“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do.
And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady,
what do you want?” the genie asked.
“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country
in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”
“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”
“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about
you, honey?”
You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for
you!”
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the
genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, “How old
are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.
“No Kidding.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?”
__________________
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks
up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks
down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right
testicle, Turner Brown.”
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big
guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The
big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did
you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and
figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus,
I thought you said, “Turn around”!
__________________
Toilet Humor Grin Grin Grin
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from
the other stall saying:
“Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the rest room;
but I don’t know what got into me, and I answered,
somewhat embarrassed:
“Doin’ just fine!”
And the other person says:
“So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that?
At that point, I’m thinking
this is too bizarre so I say:
“Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!”
At this point I am just trying to get out
as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”
O.K., this question is just too weird for me;
but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation. I tell them:
“No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the person say nervously…..
“Listen, I’ll have to call you back.
There’s an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions.”
——–
This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, “You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.”
So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them “I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They make you wild at sex like great desert camel.”
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?”
The Indian man replied, “Just try them on.” Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian’s thighs.
The Indian then began screaming, “YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”
————
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him,
but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.!
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn’t any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it,
please don’t blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
———
future family
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and
I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me … it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a pleasant view of her private
parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when
she was near anyone else.
One day “little” sister called and asked me to come
over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone
when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t
overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just
once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a
word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get
me.”
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off
her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I
stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, “We are very happy that you have passed our
little test…..we couldn’t ask for better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.”
And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.
———
Santambak Na Pangit!!
Isang bus na puno ng puro pangit lang na tao ang bumangga sa kasalubong na trak. Lahat ng sakay ay sinawing palad na mamatay.
Ng nasa harap na sila ni God sa Pearly Gates, ay ipinasya ni God na bigyan ng tig-isang kahilingan ang lahat ng taong nasawi sa nasabing sakuna.
Halos lahat ay iisa ang hiniling: ANG MAGING MAg@g@NDA SILA!!
Lahat, maliban sa isang taong nasa hulihan ng pila na nagkakanda-matay sa katatawa.
Finally, dumating sa nasabing taong nasa hulihan ng pila si God. Tinanong niya kung ano ang wish ang tao.
Ang sagot niya: PAPANGITIN MO PO ULI SILANG LAHAT!!!!
So, NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY!!!!
——–
DOC: Misis ano po sakit nyo?MISIS:Mister ko doc, ang haba ng ari! pag nagsesex kame umaabot sa atay ko.
DOC:Gusto mo putulan ko?
MISIS:Huwag doc! iusog mo na lang atay ko….
———
Nagusap ang isang mag-ama tungkol sa love and sex. Umabot sa maselan paksa ang paguusap…
Anak: (15 yrs old) ‘Tay.. naka tikim na ba kyo nung tintatawag na Blow-job?…
Tatay: ..hmmm.. (hiya pa daw).. Anak.. oo importante yun sa sex at masarap na bagay.. walang kasing sarpa para sa ating mga lalake…
Tatay:.. pero teka,.. bakit mo natanong? ikaw ba ay nakatikim na rin ng blow-job?Huh
Anak: (hiya pa daw).. Opo itay! kaya lang masakit pa ang panga ko e!!!!
———
May isang Pinoy sa Saudi maisipang takasan ang kalupitan ng kanyang mga Amo. Sa kagipitan, ipinasya niyang tawirin ang disyerto at humanap ng magandang kapalaran sa Kuwait. Sa kanyang konting ipon, bumili siya ng Camel at gamit sa paglalakbay at dahil di niya alam paluhurin ang Camel para sakyan, nagdala na rin siya ng hagdanan.Ikat’long araw sa paglalakbay sinumpung ang Pinoy ng matinding pangangailangan (Libog). Sawa na siyang magparaos sa pamamagitan ng kanyang kamay kaya ipinasya niyang pagparausan ang Camel (total nasa gitna siya ng disyerto at wala namang makakakita sa kanya). Dahil mataas ang Camel, gumamit siya ng hagdan, ngunit sa tuwing tatangkain niyang ‘ipasok’ nakikiliti and Camel at humamakbang kaya si Pinoy nahuhulog. Ganoon ng ganoon hanggang sa magsawa ang Pinoy sa pagtatangka at ipinasya niyang magpatuloy sa paglalakbay. Ganoon pa man, hindi matanggal ang kanyang pagnanasa na makaraos sa kanyang pangangailangan.Ika – limang araw sa paglalakbay ng makakakita siya ng napaka-gandang Pinay na hinahabol ng Arabyano. “Tulongan ninyo ako” ang sigaw ng Pinay “gusto nila akong pagsamantalahan at patayin.” Si Pinoy pinagbabaril ang mga humahabol at iniligtas ang kababayang Pinay. Ang Pinay nagpapasalamat: “Salamat po at iniligtas ninyo ako, utang ko sa inyo ang aking buhay, at g@g@win ko po ang kahit na ano bilang pasasalamat. Ang Pinoy nangangailangan (nalilibugan) pa rin: “Talaga?”"Opo, kahit po ano g@g@win ko para sa inyo”Ang Pinoy tumutulo ang laway sa pagnanasa: “Talaga, kahit na ano?”"Opo, kahit po ano”"Kung ganoon, PAKI HAWAKAN MO ANG CAMEL”
———
Nang mamatay ang wais na si Johnny ay napunta siya sa purgatoryo. Duon ay pinapili siya kung saan niya gustong mag-trabaho habang nasa purgatoryo siya at kapag nakapili na siya ay iyun ang kanyang magiging trabaho hanggang may gustong pumalit sa kanya dito. Sa unang kuwarto na pinagdalhan sa kanya ay isang kuwadra at may nagpapala ng tae ng kabayo. Ang susunod na ipinakita sa kanyang kuwarto ay may taong naghuhukay ng balon. Dahil sa tamad si Johnny nuong nabubuhay pa ay hindi niya pinili kahit isa dito. Sa pangatlong kuwarto ay nakakita siya ng isang matabang lalaki na umiinom ng beer at bino-blow job ng isang magandang babae. Napalunok si Johnny at hindi na nag-dalawang isip at sinabing iyun ang gusto niyang trabaho sa purgatoryo. Agad namang nagsalita ang taga-pamahala at nag-utos, “Ikaw babae, umalis ka na diyan at may kapalit ka na!!!!”.
———
May isang babaeng maliit ang boobs ang nagpunta sa department store para bumili ng bra..”Miss, meron ba kayong bra na size nito?”tanong ng babae sa counter girl sabay pakita ng kanyang boobs…”Miss sa Young miss section kayo mag punta,”turo ng salegirl…Nagpunta siya sa young miss section at inulit niya ang tanong niya sabay pakita rin ng kanyang boobs…”Wala po rito, Somubok po kayo sa Junior section,” Sabi ng salegirl doon..Punta naman siya sa Junior section at tinanong ang malditang salegirl kung mayroon silang bra sa size ng boobs niya sabay pakita…”Ay, may drug store po sa labas,doon kayo bumili ng plaster para sa pigsa n’yo,”Sabi ng malditang salesgirl.
———
hahahahaha…
nakakatawa..
